← Play
Pass it on
Intermediate
7 min read
A toy between two people is not an interruption. It is a new way of touching each other. The vibration travels through whoever holds it and into whoever they are touching.
← Play
Using a toy with a partner is something many couples want to try but find awkward to introduce. The awkwardness usually comes from framing it as adding a device to sex, as if the toy is a separate entity with its own role. A more useful frame: the toy is an extension of how you touch each other. Vibration that travels through one person's hand into the other person keeps both of you connected through the sensation rather than creating a division between person and machine.
The most common reason couples do not use toys together is that neither person has brought it up. One person wants to but assumes the other will find it odd or take it as a comment on their adequacy. The other person is either curious or indifferent but has never said so. A very brief direct conversation, "I'd like to try using a toy together, are you open to it?" removes this impasse. Most people say yes.
It is worth being specific about what you have in mind: whether you want the toy used by you on yourself during sex, by the partner on you, or shared between you. Different versions feel different and require different things from both people. Agreeing on a starting version avoids confusion in the moment.
One approach: both people's hands on the toy at the same time. One guides, one follows. The person whose pleasure is the focus guides the toy, and the partner's hand over theirs provides steady pressure without taking over the direction. This keeps both people actively involved in the same motion and prevents the toy from feeling like something being done to one person rather than something happening between two people.
Another version: the partner holds the toy steady while the receiving person grinds against it, a combination of passing-it-on and moving-on-it. This is a very effective version for penetrative sex, where the partner keeps an external toy positioned consistently while the receiving person controls contact with it through their own movement.
With penetration happening, the giving partner, rather than thrusting repeatedly, presses all the way in and holds. The receiving partner presses back against them, which creates and varies the pressure themselves. A toy held at the clitoral area by either person during this pressing movement produces simultaneous internal and external sensation, with the receiving person fully in control of both through their own movement.
This is a partner version of the grinding technique. The same principle applies: the person experiencing the sensation controls the motion. The giving partner's role is to maintain steady presence rather than active movement.
The single most useful thing the receiving partner can do is give feedback. Not detailed instructions, but simple signals: faster, slower, more, stop. Partners who use toys together successfully almost always describe having an ongoing verbal or physical signal during the experience. Partners who find it awkward or ineffective almost always describe silence, with both people guessing.
App-controlled toys remove some of this in an interesting way: the Eclipse is designed for couple use and can be controlled remotely, which removes the physical logistics entirely and keeps both people free for other touch. The Orion and Naiomy are similarly app-controlled, which means intensity control during sex does not require either person to manage a physical button.
The goal over time is for the toy to become an unremarkable part of how you are intimate together, not a special occasion addition. This happens through repetition. The first time is always slightly more managed. The third time is easier. The tenth time it is simply part of the repertoire.